struggles. survival. sunshine.

good morning!! I wish I were writing to tell you that we were on our way to ET...not quite yet:( But, since we should be hearing real soon, I've had a few things on my mind that I felt like sharing. In preparing to bring Ariyat home, we've gone over our 1st adoption process/homecoming in our heads numerous times per day. The boys have been home almost 2 years now...wow!! Some days it feels like it has been forever. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. and some days a mixture. I guess I've really never fully explained on my blog how our attachment/bonding has gone...so, here goes. In writing this, know that I love both Ageze & Tesfa immensely. Neither is better than the other. they are both loved. Also, this allows me to openly talk about how in bringing Ariyat home will be a bit different.

When bringing the boys home almost 2 years ago, I definitely had way too high of expectations on myself & how life would be just normal, like it had been for the last 7 years with kids. I entered into this with zero expectations, I've learned. things don't always go as I see fit or wish for. there are curve balls. curvy curve balls. Ageze & Tesfa have 2 completely different stories. beautiful. sadness. desperation. starvation. joy. loss. heartache.....those are just a few that come to my mind. We knew when we were starting our 1st adoption that this would not be all rainbows & sunshine. We were dealing with 2 little lives that were so desperately in need of love, someone to hold them, a roof over their heads. security. trust. food. more love. stability. routine. I'm the first to say that during our adoption journeys...we've seen many rainbows & even sunshine. I've seen Ageze transform. it is beautiful. I've seen Tesfa trust a little more each day. makes my heart so happy. But, we've also had very trying times. Overall, Ageze has done remarkably well. His first couple of months home were hard. So hard on him & so hard for us, as his parents knowing how hard he was grieving. broke our hearts. After a few months home, we began seeing his eyes light up, that beautiful smile of his, wanting to be held & nurtured. and, then stories began surfacing of his childhood in ET. Oh, how he loves his birth family. He openly talks & visits about his life in ET quite frequently. We pray each & every night for his ET family. We love them. They are ours too.

Ageze is one sweet, silly, lovable little boy who loves the outdoors, cows, smiling, playing with friends & cousins....he is so proud to tell people he is from Ethiopia!!

The first few months for Tesfa were quite different. I remember thinking..." Wow, he is so easy, he hardly ever cries, he loves on everyone, he eats anything!!" All of those statements were very true then & some still are. Now, let me start by saying....We love Tesfa very, very much. I'm sure those of you looking from the outside in wonder if we are handling him or his behaviors appropriately. Parenting Tesfa has been different than with our other 3 here at home. You see, Tesfa loved to hug & kiss anyone & everyone he would come in contact with. Has it gotten better? YES! Are we there yet? NO! For almost a year now he has been going to play therapy. Some weeks I see progress, some weeks are just plain hard. Many friends & family comment on how affectionate he is. And, he is. to you. I have to remind myself daily that these are behaviors that are the result of all of the above that I mentioned earlier. I do believe he wants to be loved. and love back appropriately. I do believe he knows that we will always feed him. I do believe he knows that he will always be with us. But, FEAR. what a powerful feeling. He has so much fear that he is choosing to push me away so it might not hurt so bad if he is rejected. FEAR. waking up at 4 am & not going back to sleep. FEAR. telling me that he is nicer to Dad & not to me. FEAR of losing me. FEAR. screaming at me. FEAR. Hoping he pushes me away by screaming, waking up at 4 am & peeing all over my bathroom floor, not wanting to be held by me, not wanting me to kiss him goodnight. FEAR. some weeks we are dealing with these behaviors daily. some weeks, they might be a bit better. You see, he is so afraid of losing what he does have, that if he can keep me at an arms length distance, he might not be hurt as bad. He might not suffer another loss like he has. Oh, sweet boy. I pray each & every day that his fear might lift & be gone. That he would trust us. not just today. but forever. That he would take his time with his food & not so frantically eat & choke. knowing that he will always be fed. that he would allow me to love on him. to give him a kiss. (yes, he will give me a kiss, but only on his terms. he doesn't like to receive it.)

Tesfa is an adorable, sweet, silly little boy whom we adore. He likes playing with his toy computer, his cousins, & he LOVES quesadillas!!

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ""Abba," Father."

With all of this...I wanted to post an excellent letter of sorts to all of our family/friends that was compiled by some other of my adoptive momma friends...like I said before, we will be doing things a bit different this time. And, while Tesfa has been home for almost 2 years, we are starting back at square one with him also. We hope, trust & believe that through this type of parenting/cocooning that we will raise healthy, confident, secure, happy children.

Hello Everyone,

I am writing this letter to help our family and friends better understand some needs that our daughter could have and to express ways that everyone can help with her attachment to us.  We basically have some guidelines that we need everyone to follow for the time-being when spending time with Ariyat.

Please know that it is uncomfortable for us to set these boundaries, but it truly is in Ariyat's best interest for all of the reasons explained below.  Also, please be aware that we will be “laying low” with her for a while, as well – not having people over as much as we would like to and not going to as many gatherings and events that we typically would like to take her to, as it can be quite overwhelming and confusing for her at this time.

Before I get to the guidelines, I want to share a brief overview of attachment with a biological child compared to attachment with an adopted child to help you understand why we are setting these boundaries:

Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and expresses that need, and the parent meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent - the baby is hungry and cries in distress, and mom nurses and calms the baby, which teaches the baby that this person is safe and can be trusted, and it makes the baby feel that his/her world is safe. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which affects their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. Each one has experienced some type of break in the process - the loss of a parent, a parent who was unable to meet their physical needs (child went hungry), multiple caretakers, etc.  Because of this, Ariyat will most likely struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs.  This is why we need to rebuild attachment and help her heal from emotional wounds.

The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the only ones to hold, cuddle, instruct, soothe, and feed her.  As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that we as her parents are safe to trust and to love deeply.  Essentially, we are recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once our daughter begins to establish this important bond, she will be able to branch out to other healthy relationships.  

Currently, our daughter will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently.  She may show her grief and confusion in many ways, and we are trying to help her through it and prove that we are her forever family.

While some of this may seem like overkill or even sound a little bit crazy, we pray that you will understand and trust that we are doing this to give our daughter the absolute best shot at being a secure, well-adjusted, and confident adult. We can't give an exact time line to know at what point we'll say that our daughter is "attached" to us. While it may “appear” that she is well-adjusted and attaching to us, adjusting to life here and being affectionate with us does not necessarily mean that they are attached to us.  This process will more than likely take some time, and every child is different.  We will be looking for progress in the days, weeks, months, and even years ahead. 

Anyway, here are some ways that you, as our family and friends, can help us and our daughter. 

The first way that you can help us is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if the adults around our daughter will  limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with a young child. This will (for a while) include things like holding and excessive hugging and kissing.  

Waving, blowing kisses, and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!  The reason being is that children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone, which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Orphans often have so many caretakers that as a survival mechanism, they become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly,” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have our daughter hugged, cuddled, and cherished by all of our friends and family. But until we feel that she has a solid attachment to us, we would be so grateful if you are careful to limit your interactions with her for the time being. 

                                          

Another way that you can help us is by redirecting any physical and emotional need to us (if you see that she needs a drink, would like a cookie, needs her hands wiped, fell down, etc.)  While we know that it is so natural to want to meet that need yourself, it is in Ariyat's best interest that you please redirect her to Kasey or I. 

Finally, we just want to thank you for all of the love and support that you have shown to our family.  It truly is a blessing that so many people are genuinely happy and excited for our family.  We cannot wait for each one of you to be able to spend time getting to know our amazing girl!!! 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for being understanding of our needs right now!

xo