I am writing this letter to help our family and friends better understand some needs that our daughter could have and to express ways that everyone can help with her attachment to us. We basically have some guidelines that we need everyone to follow for the time-being when spending time with Ariyat.
Please know that it is uncomfortable for us to set these boundaries, but it truly is in Ariyat's best interest for all of the reasons explained below. Also, please be aware that we will be “laying low” with her for a while, as well – not having people over as much as we would like to and not going to as many gatherings and events that we typically would like to take her to, as it can be quite overwhelming and confusing for her at this time.
Before I get to the guidelines, I want to share a brief overview of attachment with a biological child compared to attachment with an adopted child to help you understand why we are setting these boundaries:
Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and expresses that need, and the parent meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent - the baby is hungry and cries in distress, and mom nurses and calms the baby, which teaches the baby that this person is safe and can be trusted, and it makes the baby feel that his/her world is safe. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which affects their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. Each one has experienced some type of break in the process - the loss of a parent, a parent who was unable to meet their physical needs (child went hungry), multiple caretakers, etc. Because of this, Ariyat will most likely struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs. This is why we need to rebuild attachment and help her heal from emotional wounds.
The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the only ones to hold, cuddle, instruct, soothe, and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that we as her parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. Essentially, we are recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once our daughter begins to establish this important bond, she will be able to branch out to other healthy relationships.
Currently, our daughter will have what may seem like a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways, and we are trying to help her through it and prove that we are her forever family.
While some of this may seem like overkill or even sound a little bit crazy, we pray that you will understand and trust that we are doing this to give our daughter the absolute best shot at being a secure, well-adjusted, and confident adult. We can't give an exact time line to know at what point we'll say that our daughter is "attached" to us. While it may “appear” that she is well-adjusted and attaching to us, adjusting to life here and being affectionate with us does not necessarily mean that they are attached to us. This process will more than likely take some time, and every child is different. We will be looking for progress in the days, weeks, months, and even years ahead.
Anyway, here are some ways that you, as our family and friends, can help us and our daughter.
The first way that you can help us is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if the adults around our daughter will limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with a young child. This will (for a while) include things like holding and excessive hugging and kissing.
Waving, blowing kisses, and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! The reason being is that children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone, which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Orphans often have so many caretakers that as a survival mechanism, they become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly,” but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have our daughter hugged, cuddled, and cherished by all of our friends and family. But until we feel that she has a solid attachment to us, we would be so grateful if you are careful to limit your interactions with her for the time being.
Another way that you can help us is by redirecting any physical and emotional need to us (if you see that she needs a drink, would like a cookie, needs her hands wiped, fell down, etc.) While we know that it is so natural to want to meet that need yourself, it is in Ariyat's best interest that you please redirect her to Kasey or I.
Finally, we just want to thank you for all of the love and support that you have shown to our family. It truly is a blessing that so many people are genuinely happy and excited for our family. We cannot wait for each one of you to be able to spend time getting to know our amazing girl!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this and for being understanding of our needs right now!
xo
